TGS: The Only GalGun Article You'll Ever Need

When I come to Japan, I consciously switch off my Western judge-o-meter when the plane lands. After all, it's a completely different culture, and things that are acceptable -- even mainstream -- here would be shocking in the West (and of course vice-versa ). So when I'm strolling by booths covered in images of ambiguously young girls with bouncy gigabreasts, panties peeking out from beneath their ultra-short schoolgirl skirts, I shrug it off. What would be mistaken for a porn convention mixed with a cartoon expo in the United States is a celebration of youth culture in Japan. I'm just visiting, after all. Might as well enjoy it while I'm here. 

The reason I'm able to set aside my American attitude when it comes to judging Japanese culture is that, for the most part, I enjoy the entertainment it produces. I've been playing Japanese videogames and watching anime since I was the same age as all these busty schoolgirls, but I've always been selective. In other words, if a Japanese game is fun, smart and entertaining, I'm usually willing to forgive it for being slightly creepy.

The problem with GalGun, a new on-rails shooter for the Xbox 360 from Japanese publisher Alchemist, is not that it takes lechery to heights once reserved for the IGN Holiday Party. The problem is that it's not really any fun.

But before I get into the details, a little clarification is in order. When the first videos of GalGun hit the web in the West, a lot of people assumed it was a PlayStation Move game. It's not. It's an Xbox 360 game, and Microsoft is so proud of that fact that it showcased it at its Tokyo Game Show booth, right across the aisle from Need For Speed: Hot Pursuit.

Alchemist is selling GalGun as an entertaining tale of flirtatious adolescent love. You supposedly play as Tenzou, a schoolboy who's irresistible to his female classmates. To fend them off, you shoot them with your charm (I'm not making this up) in order to prevent them from rushing forth to smother you with their passion. That's the sell. In reality, you move a targeting reticule around and shoot girls in the crotch until their skirts fly up slightly (but not enough to be really exciting). When they cover their underwear with their hands and hearts explode out of their eyes, you know you're doing it right. Congratulations!

There's no nudity in the game (at least not in the demo I played six times), and it's not really violent, unless you count the part where a giant plant grabs one of the girls and waves her around while you shoot her in the crotch some more. And that's it. That's the game. Shoot enough girls in the crotch and/or breasts, and your heart meter will fill up. Aim truly, and you'll open up DokiDoki mode, which allows you to bring one of the girls in close for an intimate conversation about geopolitical -- oh wait, no, you shoot her in the crotch some more. And if you're feeling feisty you can shoot her in the rear as well as you rotate her nubile young form with the left analog stick. Feeling creepy yet?

I'm not saying GalGun is wrong, or bad or morally decrepit. I'll leave those judgments to you. What I am saying is that without exciting gameplay, interesting level design or any semblance of story, there's nothing left to judge but its glaring appeal to the sex drive of its audience. And that's fine, but it doesn't make for a good game.